CHAMPAGNE DAIQUIRI £9
RUM / SOUR / DRY / FIZZY
Done it, guys. Done it. Figured out how to make champagne tastier, somehow. Turns out you throw the champagne out entirely, derive an acid base with the exact same flavour profile, combine it with Havana 7 rum and fruit syrup and fizz it up. The champagne industry is on the phone. ‘Please,’ it is saying, ‘please stop. You’ve changed the game. We’re on our knees, here’. No. We refuse to stop.
HIP, HOP & HAY COLLINS £9
GIN / AROMATIC / ROSEHIP
Tastes like the hay-based farm girl rumpy-pumpy you read about a lot, thought about a lot, but never ended up actually having. Did you? You always thought you were quite open minded, didn’t you. Quite sexually daring. Yet you never did settle your naked cheeks down on a hay bale and fuck. Have this cocktail instead. It’s got gin in it.
EMILY COLLINS £9
TEQUILA / TART / SUMMERY
A nice easy drink for a nice easy summer: tequila, mint, lime and agave all topped up with tonic for something long and aloof. If this drink were a mood it would be ‘walking barefoot on a white sand beach as the sun sets behind you, before Jason Momoa, who is wearing a three-quarter button brilliant white shirt with matching trousers, and an anklet, gets on one knee and proposes to you’. Imagine being carried through soft billowing net curtains by his powerful, muscular arms. Take me, Jason. Take me home.
FRUIT AND VEG
YOU CAN’T BRAMBLE THE TRUTH £9
GIN / SOUR / CHILLI / SEAWEED
Three mad flavours that shouldn’t work together – bright green jalapenos, a big wad of seaweed and blackberries – but somehow do, like a troupe of begrudging superheroes who hate each other but come together for the greater good, which is normally ‘the fate of the earth against an alien terror’ but in this particular case is ‘getting you somewhere between drunk and tipsy’.
BEETROOT TO YOURSELF £9
GIN / SOUR / PURPLE
You might remember beetroot from the last time you said, ‘hey… what the fuck is this in my hummus?’, but bear with us: the Beetroot To Yourself is at once earthy and sweet, Beefeater gin infused with beets and raspberry for a short, smooth drink that comes out deliciously sophisticated.
FIVE GO TO MEXICO £9
TEQUILA / RHUBARB / TART
Invokes heavy ‘fanning yourself with a Panama hat by the side of a pool amidst the heat of the South American sun’ vibes, this one. The kind of margarita the Man From Del Monte would get in if he was having a big one. The Man From Del Monte, he says: sesh.
THREE MILE ISLAND ICE TEA £9.50
RUM / SWEET / RADIOACTIVE
Tastes and looks like getting fucked up. There is no way around this. There is no sidestepping this fact. This is not a subtle drink. It tastes and looks like getting fucked up.
BEER / FRUITY / BOOZY
Bukowski said, “the way to create art is to burn and destroy ordinary concepts and to substitute them with new truths that run down from the top of the head and out of the heart”. Anyway, here’s our Snakebite.
PHUKET MARTINI £9
ESPRESSO / MARTINI / BUT / NOT
This is like if someone took an Irish coffee on a horrible gap year, somehow, and it’s gone red-raw tan in the sun, seen the true face of God on ecstasy, got an ankle tattoo that it turns out says ‘cow bitch’ and ended up washed up on a beach with Mr. Black coffee liqueur, a tin of condensed milk, Thai whisky and a grubby little feeling of guilt (it’s iced Irish coffee, alright? It’s iced Irish coffee.)
KEFIR WHITE RUSSIAN £9
TEQUILA / COFFEE / TANGY
[spends an extremely, extremely long time trying to figure out what “The Dude Abides” is in Cyrillic, ultimately giving up] listen alright we made a White Russian with Kefir and tequila with a sweet sherry tang, it’s like a normal White Russian but thicker and with less of a ‘this is just a glass of milk’ vibe.
THE MAXIMILLIAN ADVENTURE £10
TEQUILA / SMOOTH / DRY
If you want a boring story please ask the bartender to explain the name of this one back to you, but if you want a drink so short and sassy it feels like it should be wearing a miniskirt and aggressively asking you why you don’t have a lighter: order this! Cabeza tequila balances with the more romantic flavours of Pamplemousse, St. Germain and Peychaud’s Aperitivo for something sharply fruity with the classic, ‘ah, I want to take my top off’ feeling that tequila brings.
LITTLE HOOK £10
RYE / SWEET / BITTER
Listen I know you’ve had a hard day but nobody really cares enough to listen about it so hey: order this, talk into this. Rittenhouse 100, Cynar and Amaro Molino stirred with Maraschino for a cocktail that doesn’t deviate too much from the brown, stirred, serious motif and feels quite satisfying to hold in your hot little fist and loosen your tie over after eight long hours of doing whatever shit you do all day.
THE HORSE AWAKENS £9
VODKA / WEIRD / APRICOT
Can’t explain this because it’s horseradish vodka stirred with Suze and apricot liqueur, which v. much sounds like something you make at the end of a party when all you’ve got left is… well, horseradish vodka, apricot liqueur and a dusty bottle of Suze from that booze cruise, but honestly, it works. Think of it as a ‘finger up the bum’ of a drink: you’re not going into it expecting to like it, but trust me, you’ll be asking for it again next time. Begging.
HOLD ME CLOSER, FERNET BRANCA £9
FERNET / MINTY / FRESH
If Aesop did a mouthwash that got you pissed, this’d be it.
LOW AND NO
SHERRY WOO WOO £6
SHERRY / REFRESHING / LESS ABV
Linda’s back, and this time she’s on the sherries. Peach schnapps, fino sherry, cranberry and a sour strip combine for the kind of drink that had your auntie twerking at that wake last year, remember? If the act of throwing your knickers at Tom Jones could be distilled into a cocktail, this would be it.
LADY MARMALADE £6
MARSALA / RICH / SOUR / LOW ABV
Kind of drink you’re always slightly afraid Christina Aguilera will burst in half way through, yelling at you. She’s so close now, Christina Aguilera: you can smell her branded perfume. God. God, she’s so loud, isn’t she? And so close.
NO-GRONI SBAGLIATO £3.50
BITTER / SWEET / SYMPHONY / NO ABV
Good luck saying this one out loud with any degree of confidence when you order it: a “no-groni”? “Sbagliato”? Ridiculous thing to say. Gorgeous drink though: strawberry, raspberry, juniper and grapefruit mixed up into soda for something that hits the negroni spot but lets you drive home legally afterwards. Again: very sorry to have to make you say this out loud with your mouth. Don’t try and get out of it by pointing to this bit on the menu! That won’t fly at all!!
MONTHLY OLD FASHIONED £9
SPECIAL / BOOZY / SHORT
We’ve taken the only cocktail your boyfriend knows how to order and flipped it. For May we’ve made an Anatto syrup and played it off against Olmeca Altos Plata tequila and hopped grapefruit bitters.
TINY / COLD / WET
Martinis are great, yeah? But so gigantic. What if you could have a double shot sized one, colder-than-ice-cold, straight from a Jäger machine with a bottle of gin awkwardly wedged in the top of it? What if, indeed. Ask at the bar which particular premium gin we’ve got in right now: it changes every dozen bottles.
THE EAGLE £15
SPECIAL / BOOZY / BALLER / UP
Seems like a lot, doesn’t it? £15, for a single cocktail? Served, madly, out of a ceramic eagle that everyone caws at when ushered down from the high eyrie in which it lives? Dare to Eagle: a changing array of ultra-premium spirits, served from a fucking eagle.