CHAMPAGNE DAIQUIRI £8.50
RUM / SOUR / DRY / FIZZY
Done it, guys. Done it. Figured out how to make champagne tastier, somehow. Turns out you throw the champagne out entirely, derive an acid base with the exact same flavour profile, combine it with Havana 7 rum and fruit syrup and fizz it up. The champagne industry is on the phone. ‘Please,’ it is saying, ‘please stop. You’ve changed the game. We’re on our knees, here’. No. We refuse to stop.
FIVE GO TO MEXICO £9
TEQUILA / SHARP / RHUBARB / UP
Invokes heavy ‘fanning yourself with a Panama hat by the side of a pool amidst the heat of the south American sun’ vibes, this one. The kind of margarita The Man From Del Monte would get in if he was having a big one. The Man From Del Monte, he says: sesh.
PHUKET MARTINI £9
ESPRESSO / MARTINI / BUT / NOT
This is like if someone took an Irish coffee on a horrible gap year, somehow, and it’s gone red-raw tan in the sun, seen the true face of God on ecstasy, got an ankle tattoo that it turns out says ‘cow bitch’ and ended up washed up on a beach with Mr. Black coffee liqueur, a tin of condensed milk, Thai whisky and a grubby little feeling of guilt ( a trashy espresso martini, alright? It’s trash espresso martini.)
NUCLEAR BANANA JUNGLE BIRD £10
RUM / FRUITY / BOOZY
Tastes and looks like getting fucked up. There is no way around this. There is no sidestepping this fact. This is not a subtle drink. It tastes and looks like getting fucked up.
SHERRY WOO WOO £8.50
SHERRY / FRUITY / SWEET
Same way Coleridge wrote Kubla Khan in the sticky aftermath of an opium haze, this drink was invented after an all-night bender on your mum’s drinks cabinet: ‘70s dinner party regulars Cinzano, peach schnapps and fino sherry combine with a sour strip for something cheap, tarty, but also kind of smooth and brilliant.
‘HIP, HOP & HAY COLLINS £8.50
GIN / AROMATIC / ROSEHIP
Tastes like the hay-based farm girl rumpy-pumpy you read about a lot, thought about a lot, but never ended up actually having, did you. You always thought you were quite open-minded, didn’t you? Quite sexually daring. Yet you never did settle your naked cheeks down on a hay bale and fuck. Have this instead. It’s got gin in it.
STURM UND DRANG £9
MESCAL / SMOKE / COMPLEX
Tastes like someone put an Old Fashioned on the barbeque. Next drink description.
MONTHLY OLD FASHIONED £9
SPECIAL / BOOZY / DRY / SHORT
We’ve taken the only cocktail your boyfriend knows how to order and flipped it: seasonal syrups with a changeable array of spirits on top. This month we’ve made a blood or- ange oleo saccharum (fancy syrup) and mixed it up with some Mezcal Amores and Burlesque bitters.
SCOTCH / TANGY / FUNKY
Let’s go to Japan. You ever been to Japan? Wildest place on earth. They have some- thing called the Robot Restaurant there that is like having an especially futuristic panic attack. Incredibly clean. Everyone crosses the road very respectfully. Let’s go to Japan, with this drink: pickled rice, pickled ginger, mirin, roasted coconut water and Scotch combine for something sort of thick, kind of sour, and definitely boozy.
SQUARE MIEL £9
GIN / SOUR / HONEY
Listen, we’re going to make sherry cool whether you like it or not, so embrace it now and order this: a Bees Knees with sherry, or ‘that kind of honey/lemon one that tasted like the best still lemonade I’ve ever had’ to all you non-bartenders.
VODKA / SOUR / SAVOURY
You know how nerds on dates – you might be on a date with one now, actually, and if so please just say the codeword ‘I FUCK KETCHUP’ to the bartender and they will assist – bang on about how tomatoes are a fruit, actually, and not a vegetable? And lo, this drink: sweet-sour more than savoury, blends tomato water with Black Cow vodka and triple sec for something that’s sort of a cosmo, but also very much is not.
MARSALA / RICH / SOUR / LOW ABV
Kind of drink you’re always slightly afraid Christina Aguilera will burst in half way through, yelling at you. She’s so close now, Christina Aguilera: you can smell her branded perfume. God. God, she’s so loud, isn’t she? And so close. Anyway: marmalade and marsala wine combine for something short, zesty and punchy.
FRUITY / REFRESHING / NO ALCOHOL
Riesling concentrate combines with grapefruit and soda for a long, sparkling the-sun-is-going-down-and-it-is-time-to-chill-a-little no-alcohol drink. Mad how the soft drinks industry has never made anything with a totally tropical taste, isn’t it? Take note, beverage magnates! This one’s a winner!
TINY / COLD / WET
We extremely voided the warranty on what our lawyers are insisting we call a ‘branded herb-based liqueur machine’ to make it pump out tiny, tiny, ice-cold martinis. A changing selection of premium gin bottles have been jammed into the top of this monster: ask what’s on!
SPECIAL / BOOZY / BALLER / UP
Seems like a lot, doesn’t it? £14, for a single cocktail? Served, madly, out of a ceramic eagle that everyone caws at when ushered down from the high eyrie in which it lives? Dare to Eagle: a changing array of ultra-premium spirits, served from a fucking eagle.