CHAMPAGNE DAIQUIRI £9
RUM / SOUR / DRY / FIZZY
Done it, guys. Done it. Figured out how to make champagne tastier, somehow. Turns out you throw the champagne out entirely, derive an acid base with the exact same flavour profile, combine it with Havana 7 rum and fruit syrup and fizz it up. The champagne industry is on the phone. ‘Please,’ it is saying, ‘please stop. You’ve changed the game. We’re on our knees, here’. No. We refuse to stop.
HIP, HOP & HAY COLLINS £9
GIN / AROMATIC / ROSEHIP
Tastes like the hay-based farm girl rumpy-pumpy you read about a lot, thought about a lot, but never ended up actually having. Did you? You always thought you were quite open minded, didn’t you. Quite sexually daring. Yet you never did settle your naked cheeks down on a hay bale and fuck. Have this cocktail instead. It’s got gin in it.
FRUIT AND VEG
BEETROOT TO YOURSELF £9
GIN / SOUR / RASPBERRY
You might remember beetroot from the last time you said, ‘hey… what the fuck is this in my hummus?’, but bear with us: the Beetroot To Yourself is at once earthy and sweet, Beefeater gin infused with beets and raspberry for a short, smooth drink that comes out deliciously sophisticated.
FIVE GO TO MEXICO £9
TEQUILA / TART / RHUBARB
Invokes heavy ‘fanning yourself with a Panama hat by the side of a pool amidst the heat of the South American sun’ vibes, this one. The kind of margarita the Man From Del Monte would get in if he was having a big one. The Man From Del Monte, he says: sesh.
PEA SHOOTS, PEA SCORES! £9
PEA / GIN / SHERRY
Remember shelling peas in your mum’s garden? Your mum had that one summer where she grew peas, in this scenario. Dad away with work a lot so just her and you and the peas: fresh, juicy, green. They tasted like heaven out of the pod. You sliced them sideways with your thumbnail and shot them round into your mouth. Her face was so proud. “The peas came in,” she said, like she’d just invented water. “The peas!” And this tastes just like that: pea gin, and apple cordial, and fino sherry. That’s it. Like getting heatstroke so hard you have to put your head in the freezer. Like chasing after the ice cream truck so fast you have to pant. Like biting into summer in a way that gets you pissed.
PHUKET MARTINI £9
ESPRESSO / MARTINI / BUT / NOT
This is like if someone took an Irish coffee on a horrible gap year, somehow, and it’s gone red-raw tan in the sun, seen the true face of God on ecstasy, got an ankle tattoo that it turns out says ‘cow bitch’ and ended up washed up on a beach with Mr. Black coffee liqueur, a tin of condensed milk, Thai whisky and a grubby little feeling of guilt (it’s iced Irish coffee, alright? It’s iced Irish coffee.)
10 RUM MAI TAI £10
RUM / SWEET / SOUR
How many rums do you want? One rum? Two? Two rums? Two rums is rum for babies. You are a little baby. Watch this: ten fucking rums. Ten. Fucking. Rums. In a Tiki mix with almond syrup and pineapple juice. It’s ten rums, mate. Don’t be going to work tomorrow after that.
FRENCH BEERTINI £9
VANILLA / PINEAPPLE / BEER / RASPBERRY
From a strong line of lineage, this: just like the ‘lagerita’ was a beer with a cocktail mashed in, so the ‘piña colager’ was the same, so the ‘beergroni’ after that: vanilla vodka and pineapple juice mix for something that feels like a cocktail, then—BOOM! Before you know it, someone (a maniac, your bartender, whoever) poured a Frambuzi raspberry sour in there. Think of it like a Pokémon evolution: the lagerita is your Charmander. The French Beertini is your Mega Charizard X.
YOU CAN’T BRAMBLE THE TRUTH £9
GIN / SOUR / CHILLI / SEAWEED
Three mad flavours that shouldn’t work together – bright green jalapenos, a big wad of seaweed and blackberries – but somehow do, like a troupe of begrudging superheroes who hate each other but come together for the greater good, which is normally ‘the fate of the earth against an alien terror’ but in this particular case is ‘getting you somewhere between drunk and tipsy’.
BANANA VIEUX CARRE £10
RYE / SWEET / BANANA /ABSINTHE
Listen I know you’ve had a hard day but nobody really cares enough to listen about it so hey: order this, talk into this. Lot 40 Rye, Martell Cognac, Benedictine and dry vermouth stirred with a splash of banana and absinthe for a cocktail that doesn’t deviate too much from the brown, stirred, serious motif and feels quite satisfying to hold in your hot little fist and loosen your tie over after eight long hours of doing whatever shit you do all day.
PINK PANTHER £9
MESCAL / SWEET / ROSE
Normally, unexpected smoke is a bad thing: you left the kievs in the oven again; you closed the lid on your laptop instead of shutting it down for 45 straight days and now it is on fire; your mum finds you, back home for Christ- mas, leaning out of the bathroom window and smoking the cigarettes you swore you’d never touch. Here, though… here it’s good. Sesame and amchoor orgeat blend with a touch of Rooh Afza for something floral and Turkish De- light-y, and then… Mezcal, smoky and deep, coming through underneath. It tastes like kissing after a long night out. It tastes like being drunk around the campfire. It tastes like… fuck! FUCK! THE KIEVS!
LOW AND NO
PASSION PIP £6
ONE / FOR / THE / PARK / LOW ABV
[Our usual menu copywriter took one sip of this drink – a passionfruit Malibu, cherry tomato shrub, plain soda combo – and wrote the following two words to describe it. Despite repeated pressings, he wouldn’t add any further context to the description. We have presented it here in quotation marks to show our disdain for his work ethic:]
SMOKE ON THE WATERMELON £3
MELON / SMOKE / NO ABV
You know when you’re nearing the end of a summer BBQ – your friend’s eerily boring husband has been silently guarding the grill, in a custom-printed apron and some £80 tongs – and finally he’s left to have his one (one.) Peroni of the day with his old uni mates and left the coals clear – and you put some leftover fruit salad (your friend made salad, untouched) over the bars? This tastes like that: of smoke, and fruit, and three lads called Theo all retching up over an uncooked chicken thigh
MONTHLY OLD FASHIONED £9
SPECIAL / BOOZY / SHORT
We’ve taken the only cocktail your boyfriend knows how to order and flipped it.
TINY / COLD / WET
Martinis are great, yeah? But so gigantic. What if you could have a double shot sized one, colder-than-ice-cold, straight from a Jäger machine with a bottle of gin awkwardly wedged in the top of it? What if, indeed. Ask at the bar which particular premium gin we’ve got in right now: it changes every dozen bottles.