CHAMPAGNE DAIQUIRI £9
RUM / SOUR / DRY / FIZZY
Done it, guys. Done it. Figured out how to make champagne tastier, somehow. Turns out you throw the champagne out entirely, derive an acid base with the exact same flavour profile, combine it with Havana 7 rum and fruit syrup and fizz it up. The champagne industry is on the phone. ‘Please,’ it is saying, ‘please stop. You’ve changed the game. We’re on our knees, here’. No. We refuse to stop.
HIP, HOP & HAY COLLINS £9
GIN / AROMATIC / ROSEHIP
Tastes like the hay-based farm girl rumpy-pumpy you read about a lot, thought about a lot, but never ended up actually having. Did you? You always thought you were quite open minded, didn’t you. Quite sexually daring. Yet you never did settle your naked cheeks down on a hay bale and fuck. Have this cocktail instead. It’s got gin in it.
BARLEY SOUR £9
SCOTCH / SOUR / MALTY
Listen, a weird thing has happened: turns out if you make a Tommy’s Margarita but with Chivas 12, it sort of tastes malty and wholesome like a really, really healthy breakfast cereal, or a good big sniff of a bag of grain. This drink is like going for a bracing walk on a windy day to clear your mind. This drink is like how you feel three weeks into a new diet. This drink is like getting your iron requirements for the day. This drink is health.
FRUIT AND VEG
YOU CAN’T BRAMBLE THE TRUTH £9
GIN / SOUR / CHILLI / SEAWEED
Three mad flavours that shouldn’t work together – bright green jalapenos, a big wad of seaweed and blackberries – but somehow do, like a troupe of begrudging superheroes who hate each other but come together for the greater good, which is normally ‘the fate of the earth against an alien terror’ but in this particular case is ‘getting you somewhere between drunk and tipsy’.
BEETROOT TO YOURSELF £9
GIN / SOUR / PURPLE
You might remember beetroot from the last time you said, ‘hey… what the fuck is this in my hummus?’, but bear with us: the Beetroot To Yourself is at once earthy and sweet, Beefeater gin infused with beets and raspberry for a short, smooth drink that comes out deliciously sophisticated.
TOMATO COSMOPOLITAN £9
VODKA / SOUR / NOT A BLOODY MARY
You know how nerds on dates – you might be on a date with one now, actually, and if so please just say the codeword ‘I FUCK KETCHUP’ to the bartender and they will assist – bang on about how tomatoes are a fruit, actually, and not a vegetable? And lo, this drink: sweet-sour more than savoury, blends tomato water with Wry vodka and triple sec for something that’s sort of a cosmo, but also very much is not.
PHUKET MARTINI £9
ESPRESSO / MARTINI / BUT / NOT
This is like if someone took an Irish coffee on a horrible gap year, somehow, and it’s gone red-raw tan in the sun, seen the true face of God on ecstasy, got an ankle tattoo that it turns out says ‘cow bitch’ and ended up washed up on a beach with Mr. Black coffee liqueur, a tin of condensed milk, Thai whisky and a grubby little feeling of guilt (it’s iced Irish coffee, alright? It’s iced Irish coffee.)
PUMPKIN SPICE IRISH COFFEE £9
WHISKEY / COFFEE / BASIC
It’s a pumpkin-spiced flavoured Irish coffee. A pumpkin-spiced. Irish coffee. It takes two opposing worlds – cosy-mittened style bloggers in earmuffs; men who take their tops off to fight – and smashes them into one another. It’s ‘autumn’ and ‘commenting the word “beast” on Conor McGregor’s Instagram photos’ crammed into the same cosy mug. Aggressively delicious.
ROOT BEER FLOAT £9
BOURBON / ROOT BEER / ICE CREAM
Hierarchy of straws (inarguable): Those really fat straws you get with milk- shakes > Curly straws in the shape of Mickey Mouse’s ears > Those straws that split and splay out so you can scoop bits up with it > bendy straws > paper straws > normal straws > metal straws. This root beer bourbon float is exactly what you think it is, and it absolutely slaps. It also comes with earth’s third-best straw (complimentary). I literally don’t know what more you could want.
CORN & OIL & ARMY & NAVY £10
RUM / SWEET / SOUR
Goth, clove, isn’t it? You remember being 15 and having that friend called Raven. Clove cigarettes, clove incense, clove oil. Headmaster did a whole assembly to outlaw black lipstick. “Death is inevitable,” Raven used to say, as you played Mario Kart together. Bought that bottle of absinthe and you both giggled so nervously over the pour of it: the sugar lump, the special strainer, the Marilyn Manson playlist. “Transport us to the hell dimension!” Raven said, then his dad made him shave his head and work at the Toyota dealership, and now when you see him on Facebook he’s happily, eerily married, and not even goth at all. Has this got anything to do with that? No: it’s Wray & Nephew, clove liquor, orgeat and lime, like being punched in the face by a perfumed sailor. But remember those times. Remember Raven.
THE MAXIMILLIAN ADVENTURE £10
TEQUILA / SMOOTH / DRY
If you want a boring story please ask the bartender to explain the name of this one back to you, but if you want a drink so short and sassy it feels like it should be wearing a miniskirt and aggressively asking you why you don’t have a lighter: order this! Cabeza tequila balances with the more romantic flavours of Pamplemousse, St. Germain and Peychaud’s Aperitivo for something sharply fruity with the classic, ‘ah, I want to take my top off’ feeling that tequila brings.
LITTLE HOOK £10
RYE / SWEET / BITTER
Listen I know you’ve had a hard day but nobody really cares enough to listen about it so hey: order this, talk into this. Rittenhouse 100, Cynar and Amaro Molino stirred with Maraschino for a cocktail that doesn’t deviate too much from the brown, stirred, serious motif and feels quite satisfying to hold in your hot little fist and loosen your tie over after eight long hours of doing whatever shit you do all day.
PINK PANTHER £9
MESCAL / SWEET / ROSE
Normally, unexpected smoke is a bad thing: you left the kievs in the oven again; you closed the lid on your laptop instead of shutting it down for 45 straight days and now it is on fire; your mum finds you, back home for Christ- mas, leaning out of the bathroom window and smoking the cigarettes you swore you’d never touch. Here, though… here it’s good. Sesame and amchoor orgeat blend with a touch of Rooh Afza for something floral and Turkish De- light-y, and then… Mezcal, smoky and deep, coming through underneath. It tastes like kissing after a long night out. It tastes like being drunk around the campfire. It tastes like… fuck! FUCK! THE KIEVS!
LOW AND NO
PEPPER PORTS £6
PORT / HIBISCUS / LOW ABV
Working on a theory that hibiscus is the horniest of all the cocktail ingredients: it’s juicy-pink, syrup-sticky and sweet like a flower, and even saying the word – hi—bih—scus – is like forming your lips into a kiss. Anyway we mixed it with pepper (horny!), tonic (h-horny?) and white port (the hornier port??) to make this: lo on alc, big on flave, astronomical on horn.
GLACIER DARK £3.50
FRUITY / REFRESHING / NO ABV
“YEAH?” you say. (In this scenario you are eight years old and fighting with your mum. She’s telling you that you can’t have six gummy worms and a Baby- bel for dinner, again). “WELL WHEN I GROW UP, I’M GOING TO EAT AS MANY SWEETS AS I CAN! AND I’M GOING TO HAVE RIBENA WITH DINNER! EVERY! SINGLE! DAY!” Didn’t work out, did it. Look at you. You got that Joe Wicks book, didn’t you. You know what ‘complex carbs’ are. You care about your teeth. You hardly ever have Ribena, at all. Where did it all go wrong? Order this: it’s blackcurrant spiked with liquorice and finished with a little sprinkle of sage. It’s a fizzy drinks for grown-ups, basically. Yeah, mum? Look at me now! [really quietly so I know she can’t hear me] bitch!
MONTHLY OLD FASHIONED £9
SPECIAL / BOOZY / SHORT
We’ve taken the only cocktail your boyfriend knows how to order and flipped it.
TINY / COLD / WET
Martinis are great, yeah? But so gigantic. What if you could have a double shot sized one, colder-than-ice-cold, straight from a Jäger machine with a bottle of gin awkwardly wedged in the top of it? What if, indeed. Ask at the bar which particular premium gin we’ve got in right now: it changes every dozen bottles.